Pointless Apology

Pointless Apology

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THE STORY BEHIND THE BAND

Eli grew up in the big, filthy city of Hamilton. He lived there for quite some time. He would play on the front porch with the five-legged cat from across the street. Eli's parents soon found that Hamilton was not the right place for young Eli to grow up, so they moved to the hick town of Dunnville. There Eli would run around in the forest naked every day and sleep with the raccoons. His mother often found him in the field behind the house playing with the deer. Eli soon earned the nickname "Jungle Boy" because he was one with the animals, not to mention the fact that the stench emanating from him was quite similar to that of rotten milk and toe cheese. His next big step in life was music. His parents would tie him to a chair and force him to listen to Steely Dan, Supertramp and Kim Mitchell records. After months of this extreme torture, Eli began to develop a taste for this horrible, horrible music. Eventually he grew to love it. Three years later he made a big move to the great city of Brantford, where the delightful aroma of toxic fumes were fresh in the air, and three headed psycho squirrels roamed the streets. Eli found himself inspired by all of this and decided to buy a guitar. At first Eli couldn't play worth crap, and his horrible music drove him to smash his guitar over and over and over and over and over repeatedly. Unfortunately, Eli never got good, until one night the Great Wise Squirrel came through his window, granting him the power to play amazingly horrible music and break strings frequently. He used this to his advantage and formed a punk rock band. Eli would practice hours on end with his imaginary band. He would think up many crazy names for his band, such as "The Kaktus Kat Gang", "Hoodwink", and "Tinsel Town Toby", along with the many other pathetic and stupid ideas filling Eli's hollow head. "This is pointless", he apologized to his imaginary band members. Just then Eli had a revelation "That's it!" he shouted out loud with excitement. "I finally figured out how they get the Caramilk inside the Caramilk bar!" Then Eli reasoned with himself as he lay there bashing his guitar over his head, "I'm going to need a real band." Just then Roger fell out of the sky with a drumset and started playing an amazing drumroll. "Man, who are you?" Eli asked as his mouth dropped in horror. "I AM SLICK OF THE SKINS!!!!!!" Roger replied with haste. "Did the Great Squirrel come through your window too?" Eli asked. "What's the Great Squirrel?" Roger said, sticking his drumsticks up his nose. Since then, Roger and Eli have been rocking out in Eli's basement. Through Roger's history is lengthy, bizarre and complicated, here is a bit of it:

Roger grew up with the circus. Like most circus folk, Roger was never in one place too long. He moved frantically. The mad one-armed woman Roger knew as "The Bearded Lady" helped him develop acrobatic abilities, though no one knows exactly what Roger is capable of. Most people prefer it that way. Roger adamantly claims he was abducted by aliens when he was nine. He sometimes tells strange stories, followed by uncontrollable seizures and screaming fits. Roger also tells stories about how one day, something went tragically wrong at the circus. Roger was tricked into climbing into the circus cannon, and he was launched several hundred miles, landing on his head. Since then, Roger has never been quite normal. He has developed tendencies to stick large objects up his nose. Roger still does not know how he ended up falling from the sky the day he met Eli. And, well, frankly, Eli didn't want to know. He was happy with the understanding that the Great Wise Squirrel sent Roger to him.

THE END

Eli Parker (guitar, vocals)

Derrick Henriques (bass, vocals)

Roger Guilbault (drums)